She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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