When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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