the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
