my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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