Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
