I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
