He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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