We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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