If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
