Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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