if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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