My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
should my penis look like a turkey
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
