Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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