there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i think we sleep fucked last night...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
