Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
