my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
