i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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