You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
