Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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