I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
