I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
