piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
