Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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