Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
