I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
