benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
