Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
