hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
