I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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