guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
