The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
