she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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