if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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