dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
