Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
