you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
