After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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