woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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