Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
