My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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