I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
