I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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