Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
