I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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