U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
