I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
