so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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