just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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