Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
