I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
